2009 Week 15 Picks

Chef Spouse, in all his smarticity, has literally done the math and realized that, as long as we beat the Cowboys in Dallas January 3, the next two weeks don't matter. Don't believe him? Peep this, uh, peeps:

Current Standings:
Eagles 9-4
Cowboys 8-5
Giants 7-6
Redskins...wait, who?

Anyway, if the Giants win out, they go 10-6. If the Eagles lose the next two games, we go into the final game 9-6. If the Cowboys win the next two games, they go into the final game 10-5. Assuming we beat them in the final game, we would have three 10-6 teams in the NFC East. We beat the Giants twice, so they're out. We'll have split wins with Dallas. However, our divisional record of 5-1 will spank the Cowboys' 3-3.

NOT THAT I WANT TO LOSE THE NEXT TWO GAMES. Just wanted to clear that up. And I'd much rather go into the playoffs 12-4 and in the 3 seed and avoid playing the Saints as long as possible and hope that maybe they'll all forget how to play football in the interim. Or a miracle will happen and they'll go down in the divisional round. Still, it's good to know we have some wiggle room.

Particularly since the 49ers are playing for their playoff lives, too. Actually, the 49ers could still theoretically win their division. If the Cards lose their last 3 games and the 49ers can win 2 of 3, they'll actually win the NFC West, seeing as they beat the Cards twice this season. And we don't do a great job stopping the run (see below, Jacobs, Brandon). And the 49ers have this guy named Frank Gore? You might've heard of him?

On the other hand, there is NO WAY we turn the ball over 7 times on Sunday. NO WAY. And how the hell do you turn the ball over 7 times on a clear, cool night in San Francisco anyway? And I'm really hoping the 49ers left it all on the field beating a divisional rival at home. And they're coming east on a short week.

Meanwhile, the Eagles, in the past four weeks, have finally figured out something the Saints have known since September: how to win, no matter what (hey, we're a little slow). It's not always pretty, it's not always the way the you want it to be, it may result in you yelling, "Tackle! TACKLE, DAMN IT!" at the TV for 3 solid hours until it feels like your head is going to explode, you may not be able to fall asleep until 2 am afterward and still have to get up for the work the next morning, but they win. And they're going to keep winning. E-A-G-L-E-S! EAGLES!

Colts/Jaguars. All right, I swore in this week's recap that I'd stop picking against the Colts. So I guess that means I'm picking the Colts. Watch - now's when they'll lose.

Cowboys/Saints. They're playing in the Superdome. In December. There is no possible way the Cowboys win this game. Even Tony Romo's mama is picking the Saints. And so am I.

Bears/Ravens. Ravens. And look for their secondary to have a field day picking off Jay Cutler.

Patriots/Bills. Hm. I REALLY want to pick the Bills. Which is amazing, considering that TO is still there. You know, until Mario Testino calls. But all the Randy-Moss-quit-because-Bill-Belichick's-a-jerk (duh!) controversy can't be good for the Pats, right? And the Bills did almost smoke the Pats earlier this year, right? Yeah, I still can't talk myself into it - Patriots.

Cardinals/Lions. Well, that's a nice way to rebound from a Monday Night Football humiliation. Cardinals. Because, honestly, the Lions are so inept that the Cardinals could turn the ball over 7 times and still win easily. Cards.

Texans/Rams. Speaking of inept...Texans.

Dolphins/Titans. This promises to be an interesting game. Were we not playing opposite, this is probably the game I'd want to watch. I want to call Dolphins, because I want them to snatch the AFC East from the Pats, and Vince Young's still sitting out with a bum hamstring...ah, what the hell. Dolphins.

Browns/Chiefs. Wow. I *hope* this game gets blacked out, and the liquor flows freely at Arrowhead Stadium, because this is going to be unwatchable. The fans might just want to set up rad tailgating, stay in the parking lot, and watch one of the other games on TV. Chiefs. Like anyone cares.

Falcons/Jets. Another interesting matchup. Mark Sanchez, Matt Ryan, and Michael Turner are all maybes for Sunday. If the Falcons have Ryan and Turner, I think they'll win, regardless of who's taking the snaps for the Jets.

Broncos/Raiders. Bruce Gradkowski was the - very temporary - savior of the Raiders, but now that he's gone down and they're back to JaMarcus Russell, their season is O-V-E-R. How did we lose to them again? Broncos.

Packers/Steelers. I was at a professional networking session earlier this week and had the opportunity to chat with Josh and Kiersten, both Steelers fans. I was all, "What is UP with the Steelers? They're not more injured than anyone else at this point." Josh and Kiersten were like, "No Polamalu." Really? I mean, we lost Dawk, and I was sure it was The End Of Us, and yet we've battled back. (Actually, the entire team has turned over in D-Mac's tenure. Wow.) Grow some stones, Steelers. Anyway, the Packers are definitely going to win this one. I hope they get to see the Vikings again in the playoffs, and I hope they kick Brett Favre's ass.

Buccaneers/Seahawks. Man, another dog of a game. The Seahawks should be able to win this one. Not that it matters.

Vikings/Panthers. How did this end up on Sunday Night Football? The Panthers are terrible. And the Vikings continue their amazing win streak, with almost all of their opponents under .500. Whose dick do we have to suck to get that schedule next year? Vikings.

Giants/Redskins. I anticipate that this will actually be a really good game. And even though the Skins are 4-9, they've been playing a LOT better recently. Still, the Giants are playing for their playoff lives and the Skins are out of it. On the other hand, they play in Largo. Coin flip says Giants, but this one could really go either way.