They Won. #Shocked.

Eagles at Buccaneers, Sunday, December 9, 2012 

Holy shit. The Eagles actually won a game.

I know, I know, this does not help the team's draft position, and that's pretty much all that's on the line at this point.

But how nice was it to see Big Red and Howard Mudd hugging after the game. And not "bro-hugging" either, but a big old "I'm about to cry" clinch.

Stud of the week: Could it be anyone but Jason Avant? He had an amazing game. No TDs, but 7 catches for 133 yards, including an amazing one-handed circus catch. Just Google it - you'll have no trouble finding it. Shout out to Jeremy Maclin, too, for catching the game winner as time expired.

Good thing the receivers had a big day because, thanks to the Bucs' #1 ranked running defense, Nick Foles was the Birds' top rusher on the day.

Speaking of Foles, I'm still not sure he's The Guy, but I'll bet he gets a shot at the starting spot for 2013 at this point.  He played well, particularly when he needed to bring the Birds back from being down by 11 with 7 minutes left. And for once, burning the timeouts to save the clock worked, as the D, which had been up and down all day, was able to come up with a stop when they needed it, with about 3 minutes to go. And then Foles got sacked right before the 2 minute warning, and nobody panicked. Or gave up.

In the end, it doesn't change anything. The Eagles will finish at the bottom of the NFC East. Andy Reid will be fired in January. Mike Vick will not be an Eagle, and may not even be playing football. Same for King Dunlap. I'm sure someone will pick up Nnamdi Asomugha, but he won't be Philly anymore, either.

But on a day when the Bucs were honoring the team that, according to Chef Spouse's unending bile, stole the Eagles' Super Bowl from them (if I had a dollar for every time he's said "2002 was OUR YEAR!" I'd be a rich woman), it was nice to be able to savor a victory.

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2012 Week 14 Picks

This week, the Eagles travel to Tampa to lose to the Buccaneers.

How do I know they're going to lose?

I just know.

In the rest of the matchups:

Broncos at Raiders: Top 5 offense AND defense? Broncos.

Chargers at Steelers: Steelers. They don't lose at home.

Titans at Colts: Neither defense is anything to write home about, but the Colts offense - and Andrew Luck - are on fire. Colts.

Jets at Jaguars: Ouch. Bad versus worse, bad wins. Jets.

Bears at Vikings: Vikings, in my upset pick. Hey, crazy things happen in divisional games.

Falcons at Panthers: But not that crazy. Falcons.

Rams at Bills: Rams.

Cowboys at Bengals: Bengals. Please, please, please, please.

Ravens at Redskins: I've got the Redskins. Did I mention I'm an RGIII fan?

Chiefs at Browns: Can the Chiefs ride emotions another week? I think yes.

Dolphins at 49ers: 49ers

Saints at Giants: I'd love it if the Saints could pull off the upset, but playing in New York, I don't see it. Giants.

Cardinals at Seahawks: Seahawks.

Lions at Packers: Packers.

Texans at Patriots: Texans.

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2011 Week 14 Recap

Eagles at Dolphins, Sunday, December 11, 2011 

Even when they win, I'm not happy.

Stud of the week: the ENTIRE defense. Three forced fumbles, about a zillion sacks, three third-and-short stops, two fourth-and-short stops, a goal-line stand, another Kurt Coleman pick, and a partridge in a pear tree. Casey Matthews even managed three tackles and a sack!

(Also, Shady's one rushing TD from tying Steve Van Buren's record that's stood since 1945. 66 years! So see, the Eagles' aversion to running the football clearly predates Andy Reid. Kidding!)


It was so bad, Tony Sparano lost his job. Sure, we all knew that was coming, but in week 14? Harsh.

Where have these guys been the entire REST of the season? I don't trust it. In the continuing story of the 2011 Eagles season, we see flashes of excellent play, which then go AWOL for several weeks. Yeah, everyone's all "the Eagles aren't mathematically eliminated from the playoffs yet!" No, they aren't. But realistically, they aren't going to win out AND get BOTH the Giants and the Cowboys to lose out. So all the Eagles are doing at this point is teasing us, and messing up their draft position. And risking further injury to Vick, Maclin and a bunch of other guys who could be key to doing better NEXT year.

No, apparently, there's no pleasing me.

Around the rest of the NFL...

Steelers over Browns: They're holding Big Ben together with Bondo and duct tape at this point, but it seems to be working.

Ravens over Colts: The commentators are starting to pick up on the whole "the Colts' record proves that Peyton Manning really is the MVP." Chef Spouse said it first, WEEKS ago. Represent!

Falcons over Panthers: The Panthers had the upset win in the bag...until they had to play the fourth quarter. That sounds really familiar...

Texans over Bengals: The Texans, on the other hand, played the WHOLE game. Rookie TJ Yates led one hell of a drive to clinch the AFC South for the Texans, marking their first post-season appearance EVER. Way to go, former Team of Destiny.

Lions over Vikings: You know, there was a lot of shitty officiating yesterday, but perhaps none so bad at the total whiff on DeAndre Levy's facemask of Joe Webb that ended the Vikings' attempt to win it late. Still, this year's Team of Destiny managed to (maybe) halt a depressing slide after a promising start to the season and are still definitely in the post-season hunt themselves.

Jaguars over Bucs: MJD! No really, he was the difference maker in this game. Well, that, and the Bucs apparent COMPLETE inability to stop the run, or even slow it down much. And their complete inability to hang onto the ball. Yeah, seven turnovers really will never, ever equal a win. Ever.

Jets over Chiefs: Speaking of coaches getting fired, Todd Haley's gone, too. Is it just me, or does is seem kind of pointless to fire coaches this late in the season? Your season is over, just let the guy play out the rest of the games and fire your coach on January 2 with everyone else.

Saints over Titans: And Matt Hasslebeck tore up his calf. Which, come to think of it, handed the Texans the division and clinched the Saints to at least make the playoffs. Thanks, man! You did me a solid there!

Pats over Redskins: I have to give the Skins credit. If Tom Brady hadn't drawn some Brady calls - you know, the calls that Brady gets that NO OTHER QBs in the league get - the Skins might've managed to upset the Pats. And they played HARD. There may be cause for hope in DC. Uh oh.

Cards over 49ers: Huh. 49ers slacking off now that they've won the division? Maybe.

Broncos over Bears: OK, maybe God really does love Tim Tebow best. Did you see the game? I think Marion Barber should probably just STAY in Denver and send for his stuff. Or not - he's a football player. He can buy more stuff. I wouldn't go back to Chicago, though. Also, I know it's Mile High Stadium (or whatever dumb corporate name they've now attached to it "at Mile High"), but THREE field goals over 50 yards? And the game winner would have been good from at least 65. Wow.

Packers over Raiders: But it cost them Greg Jennings, at least for a while. Of course, last year they didn't seem to mind having, oh, PRACTICALLY THE ENTIRE TEAM on IR. So maybe it won't matter. Still, the pursuit of perfection is a dangerous game.

Chargers over Bills: And Buffalo's out of the playoffs. Again. Lucky #13 next year? I really thought this was going to be a better year for them. Guess not.

Giants over Cowboys: So last week was really busy, with a software users' group meeting, a technology conference at which I was presenting, the winter performance of my belly dance company, and a visit from Life-Long Eagles Fan Mom and You-Two-Calm-Down-or-I'm-Turning-Off-the-TV Dad (tied to the performance). And I have a really bad cold - I even lost my voice for two days (fortunately, after I presented). And Chef Spouse left this morning at 6 am for a trip to Seattle (he's with the team from Cisco in box seats at Monday Night Football as I type this). And the game was exciting, with constant lead changes. But as we got to the end of the third quarter, it looked to me like the Cowboys were starting to pull away, and I needed to try to get some sleep. Yep, I went to bed and MISSED IT. The G-men mounted a furious comeback, thus marginally increasing the chances the Eagles could see the post-season.

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2011 Week 14 Picks

And the 2011 season trudges on.  The rumor is that Vick will be back this week, and I have to ask: why? Season's over, man. The Eagles just gave him a fairly sizable contract. Why are they risking a guy who's already banged up on meaningless games? Same thing goes for all the others who are banged up: Jeremy Maclin, LeSean McCoy, Nnamdi Asomugha, DRC...everybody. Why not play the second and third team guys and see what they have? Sure, Vick is fun to watch and all, but really, this just seems pointless.

The Eagles are traveling to Miami to take on the Dolphins this week. Both teams are 4-8. The Dolphins, by way of a reminder, have won 4 of the last 5. The Eagles have lost 4 of the past 5. Although the Dolphins are not good against the pass, they are excellent against the run. You may recall that there's this guy? Named LeSean McCoy? Who's a back and has been pretty much the only consistently good part of the entire season.

But ultimately the trend line may be all we need to know. The Fins seem to be all in fighting for their coach's job. The Eagles seem to be, well, not.

Dolphins.

In the rest of the matchups:

Browns at Steelers: Steelers. Poor Browns.

Buccaneers at Jaguars: Both teams are in trouble, but a missing head coach is worse than a missing QB. Bucs.

Texans at Bengals: Sorry, Texans, you know I love you, but the Bengals are surging, and need every game to keep them in the AFC wildcard hunt at this point. Meanwhile, the Texans have a 2 game lead in the south with 4 games to play. While they haven't locked up the south, they are 4-0 in their division. Not that they aren't motivated, of course, just that I suspect the Bengals are a bit more motivated at this point. Bengals.

Chiefs at Jets: I have to think the Jets aren't going to drop a critical game at home, because they need every game at this point to stay in the AFC wildcard race themselves. And it's going to be a defensive battle, and that favors the Jets, too. Jets.

Vikings at Lions: Lions. Who are right in it for the NFC wildcard. But they gotta get their anger issues under control.

Colts at Ravens: Ravens. Move along.

Saints at Titans: Saints. Same.

Falcons at Panthers: Falcons. Who also need this game to stay in the NFC wildcard race. I love Cam, but he makes rookie mistakes that the Falcons will take advantage of.

Patriots at Redskins: Pats. Ouch.

Bears at Broncos: Caleb Hanie versus Tim Tebow? Please. Broncos.

49ers at Cardinals: 49ers. The teams really are sorting themselves out at this point, aren't they?

Bills at Chargers: Oh man, both of these teams are really sliding bad. The Bills, after starting so well, have lost five in a row. The Chargers beat the Jags on Monday, but that ended a SIX game losing streak. So disappointing on both counts. Who's going to win? The Chargers are strong through the air, while the Bills are strong on the ground. The Bills are not great against the pass, and the Chargers are even worse against the run. But you can score a lot faster through the air than you can on the ground, and that favors the Chargers.

Raiders at Packers: Chef Spouse thinks this could be a trap game for the Packers. I think the Raiders are going to be playing an undefeated Pack at Lambeau in the cold. To me, that says Packers.

Giants at Cowboys: Good choice for the Sunday night game, NFL! The Giants seem to be entering their typical end of season slide. The Cowboys are always a risk to implode. And being at home doesn't seem to help them. I think Cowboys, but I could see this going either way. And if the Cowboys do win this, I think the Giants will win in week 17, by the way.

Rams at Seahawks: Are you going to bother to watch this? Because I have to tell you, I have holiday shopping to do, and it's been an INSANELY busy month. I could really use that time for shopping, or wrapping, or a trip to the post office...lots of stuff. Oh - the pick? Seahawks. The Rams definitely don't have enough juice to take out Seattle's 12th man.

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2010 Week 14 Recap

Eagles over Cowboys, Sunday, December 12, 2010

In attendance: Shoegal, Life-Long Eagles Fan Mom, You-Two-Calm-Down-or-I'm-Turning-Off-the-TV Dad, Chef Spouse, and a friend of mine from Florida. The YAPstars, sadly, blew us off. Too bad for them, because it was a GREAT game.

Menu: Chef Spouse made all kinds of yummy snacks, Shoegal brought cheese, Life-Long Eagles Fan Mom made brisket and mac&cheese. URP!

Stud of the Week: DeSean Jackson, who, as Chef Spouse observed and Cris Collinsworth confirmed, should NOT have been penalized for his TD celebration. Apparently, the Cowboys didn't like it. Well, stop him from scoring a 91 yard TD and you won't have to see it, donkeys!

But I want to see it again:



Revisiting the keys to the game I identified last week, which happened and which didn't?

Well, Dez Bryant was out. That's indisputable.

Did they get DeSean Jackson going? Um, yeah. 210 yards on 4 receptions and a TD.

Did they get LeSean McCoy going? Yes again. 149 yards on the ground, including masterfully executing virtually every play to run out the clock in the final 4:22 of the game.

Did the O-line protect Michael Vick? No. He gets hit, he pops up. He gets hit, he pops up. He gets hit out of bounds, he pops up. And then Andy Reid screams at the zebras. The funny thing is that Terry McAulay's crew is usually one of the better ones, in my opinion, because they're more likely to just let the guys play. And that was borderline - an Eagles fan (or coach) would've seen it as a penalty, but a Cowboys fan (or coach) probably wouldn't. But it's good to see Andy stepping up for his QB, particularly since every time Vick goes down, I worry that THIS is the time he's not going to pop back up.

Asante Samuel wasn't back, but Kitna's mostly a short yardage guy, so it probably wasn't that big a deal. And the D did great shutting down the Cowboys running game.

Michael Vick? Good game - 2 picks, but only 1 was his fault (and by the way Maclin, you need to catch that pass, buddy), 3 TDs (two passing, one rushing), Kitna had more yards on the ground, but I'm loving that any play can be a big play. I'm loving that the D can give up a lead in the third quarter, and the team can fight back. I'm loving the chemistry. I'm loving that if the special teams can get the offense at least to around the 40, they're getting at least 3 points out of it.

And speaking of, how about some love for Chef Spouse's boy David Akers with that 50 yard field goal that turned out to be the margin of victory?

And did you see the postgame Vick and Jackson interview with Andrea Kramer? DJax was jumping around like a 5 year old who'd had too much sugar. It was hilarious.

Not so good?

The Eagles red zone D is bad. Like, historically bad. And they're terrible in the 3rd quarter. The offense is coming up clutch, and when they enter the fourth quarter down, I actually have hope. But it's better not to be down.

Speaking of down, Jon Kitna should NEVER be able to pick up a 4th and 8 on his feet. That is shameful. So were penalties that extended Dallas drives - Dimitri Patterson, I'm looking at you - and backed us up at critical times. Jorrick Calvin, you're a rookie, so I'm not going to bust your chops about the running around in the endzone. Your heart was in the right place, even if you didn't know what you were doing. But that punch? Unacceptable.

Speaking of unacceptable, what was with Collinsworth (who I normally love) kissing the Cowboys' asses all game? Newsflash: the Cowboys think they're the center of the goddamn universe, but in reality they are not the sun around which the entire NFL revolves. Teams, even NFC East teams, occasionally do stuff for reasons that have NOTHING to do with the Cowboys. Shocking, I know.

You know what else is unacceptable?  Stewart Bradley dislocated his elbow and Brandon Graham tore his ACL. We can't be losing any more players here, people!

And now the Eagles/Vikings matchup on Dec 26 has been flexed to prime time. The Eagles have killed in ratings in this year as well as on the field, and so far, the team is loving the night games, 5-0.

There's been a lot of tweeting about playoff scenarios, a surprising amount of them incorrect. Here's the deal: if the Eagles beat the Giants AND win one of their last two games, they will win the NFC East regardless of what else the Giants do. If the Bears win out, the Eagles will be the #3 seed regardless. If the Eagles win out and the Bears drop either the Jets or Packers game (possible if not likely), the Eagles will sneak into the #2 seed. Don't speculate - get the facts at the NFL site. They do a good job of keeping the playoff picture section up to date.

Around the rest of the NFL...

Colts over Titans. Barely. The Colts were way up until the 4th quarter, and almost gave up the game. That's not the way it usually goes. The way it usually goes is that the Colts are down by 13 at the 2 minute warning and win anyway. I had actually stopped watching the game and gone to bed at the end of the third quarter, because it looked like it was over. Not this year.

Bills over Browns. Browns are out of the playoffs now. I mean, it would've required the Steelers, Ravens, and Bengals to just up and quit for them to get there, but now they're officially out. The Bills have been officially out since August.

Falcons over Panthers. Duh.

Lions over Packers. Raise your hand if you called this one. If you recall, I said that the key to the Packers season, given all the injuries they've sustained, was to keep Aaron Rodgers and Clay Matthews vertical. Well, now they're down to 50%, with the Pats, Giants, and Bears coming up. Yikes.

Jaguars over Raiders. The Raiders managed to tie up the game and then let the Jags score in 2 plays - a great kick off return, and an even better run by MoJo. You tie the game and then let the opponent score in 20 seconds? Not gonna win a whole lot of games that way.

Steelers over Bengals. If this was a Steelers blog, the stud of the week would be Troy Polamalu. Just sayin'.

Bucs over Redskins. There was an article in the WaPo Sunday magazine focusing on Billy Cundiff and talking about how tough it is to be an NFL kicker. Well, if you're kicking like Graham Gano anyway. Thank God we have David Akers, aka Mr. Reliable. Wanna bet Gano is playing for the Panthers (or the CFL) by Thursday? Bleeding Green Nation put it best: "Redskins lose in the most hilarious fashion of the season."

Saints over Rams. Again, duh.

49ers over Seahawks. I "like" Brian Westbrook on Facebook. Aside from "liking" his sexy shirtless profile picture, I also "like" his current comment: "Had a great day at the office yesterday." Yes, sir, you did. 110 combined yards and a TD. I'm telling you, the West is going to be won by a 7-9 team.

Cardinals over Broncos. Guess the New Head Coach Magic has been all used up for this season.

Pats over Bears. Ex-Navy Cheesehead is still recovering from getting his new ankle, so he wasn't able to make it out again yesterday. But he did email about being worried about the Pats. I find that charmingly optimistic, considering that the Eagles first have to get into the playoffs (likely but far from certain at this point), then WIN the NFC, then we can worry about the Pats. But if we have a repeat of Super Bowl 39 including the outcome, I'm going to start taking hostages.

Dolphins over Jets. First of all, people were complaining about DeSean Jackson having no class for his Nestea plunge. Two words for you: Sal Alosi. Also, what is wrong with the Jets? Standings-wise they're still right in it. But they got their butts whupped by the Pats and then couldn't put the Dolphins away in what was a very sloppy game. And they have the Steelers up next. Things are looking a little shaky for Gang Green.

Chargers over Chiefs. A Chargers shutout of the Chiefs is more like what we're used to seeing. But the Chargers' slow start may doom them this year.

I was supposed to be able to recap Giants at Vikings during Ravens at Texans, until this happened:



If the Giants could manage to lose this game (which is looking pretty unlikely here at halftime), that would be awesome. If they could manage to get snowed in in Detroit, further shortening their week, that would be even more awesome.

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2010 Week 14 Picks

I know Kitna's the QB now, but still...good times.

It's Dallas week, and much as I wish the Eagles could've played them at least once earlier in the season - you remember, when they sucked? - at least we'll enjoy an exciting end to the season, with 3 divisional games in the next 4 weeks.

Keys to the game:

Dez Bryant is out. Thank God, because our kick off and punt return coverage has not been brilliant this year.

Get DeSean Jackson going. He had a great year against the Cowboys as a rookie in 2008. Last year? Shut down. Marty Mornhinweg can't let that happen, particularly not with Jason Avant and Brent Celek suffering from the dropsies lately.

LeSean McCoy. Run the screen ALL day long. Shady is shifty, and the big Cowboys defenders will have trouble staying with him.

DeMarcus Ware. The O-line has to keep him off Michael Vick.

Asante Samuel. The Eagles need him back in the lineup, not least of which because it reduces the amount of field the rest of the D has to cover.

Michael Vick. A win over Dallas, particularly given the debacles last year, gives him the chance to really become the emotional leader of the fan base.

Also? Life-Long Eagles Fan Mom and You-Two-Calm-Down-or-I'm-Turning-Off-the-TV Dad are coming to town to watch the game with us.

Want the playoffs, fellas? We need this win. Eagles. Who've actually been pretty clutch this year.

In the rest of the picks:

Colts at Titans. Earlier today, I posted a poll to RootZoo asking which team people think is in more trouble: the Colts, due to their impending inability to field a full 53 man team, or the Titans, because, well, where do I start? So far, most people are going with the Titans. So am I. Which means Colts, who have to win out to go to the playoffs this year.

Falcons at Panthers. Falcons. I can't even think of anything funny to write about the ass-whupping that's about to commence.

Buccaneers at Redskins. You did hear that the Redskins have finally had it with Fat Albert, right? I know he's a loafing pain in the ass, but I'm not sure how this makes the team better.  Bucs. I hope to hell the Skins exercise the clause in DMac's contract that lets them cut him so he can go to Arizona and have some fun throwing to Fitz before he retires and goes into broadcasting. They owe him after this mess of a season.

Packers at Lions. Next year, or the year after at the latest, will be the Lions year. Maybe. Until then? Packers.

Bengals at Steelers. Soccer was the big sport at my high school, and in my sophomore (or maybe junior) year, one of my friends, a big guy who played halfback, broke his nose while in a game. After that, he had to wear the same sort of shield Big Ben will wear Sunday. It only made him more terrifying. Steelers.

Raiders at Jaguars. I'm going out on a limb and picking the Raiders.

Giants at Vikings. Any chance the Vikes do us a huge favor and beat the Giants? Yeah, I don't think so either. Giants.

Browns at Bills. Bills. They have to win some games, right? Homefield and all.

Patriots at Bears. Another wild pick? Da Bears. Da Pats have to be due a let down after the hurting they put on the Jets Monday.

Seahawks at 49ers. Alex Smith is going back under center, which is not good. I'm picking the 49ers anyway, though, and reminding Mike Singletary that there's this guy on his team by the name of Brian Westbrook who's one of the most talented backs to ever play the game. So given the QB situation, Mike, you might want to think about RUNNING the BALL.

Rams at Saints. Saints. And by the way, I'm still pissed that a team that's at .500 is leading a division.

Dolphins at Jets. Speaking of the MNF beatdown, the Jets will bounce back and beat the Dolphins. Also, did you hear that Chad Pennington is talking about retiring? He's heading for something like his fourth go-round with the same shoulder surgery. Chad, the universe is trying to tell you something. Don't ignore it until your arm falls off.

Chiefs at Chargers.  Chargers. Matt Cassel had an emergency appendectomy and likely won't play Sunday. This could spell doom for the surprising Chiefs - not just Sunday, on the season as a whole.

Broncos at Cardinals. Changing coaches has worked well for the Vikes and the Cowboys. I expect the Broncos to follow suit. Broncos.

Ravens at Texans. Oh Texans, I may have promoted you from Team of Destiny too soon. The Colts are struggling, and there is a huge window of opportunity this year. Unfortunately, you don't seem capable of taking advantage of it. Ravens.

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Sunday Schedule: Sunday, December 12, 2010

It's Dallas week, y'all! And while I wish the Eagles could've played them at least once back in the early part of the season when they sucked, at least we'll have an exciting end to the regular season, with 3 divisional games in 4 weeks.

Life-Long Eagles Fan Mom and You-Two-Calm-Down-or-I'm-Turning-Off-the-TV Dad will be in town this weekend. And the YAPstars are coming in force. And we'll see the triumphant return of Ex-Navy Cheesehead and his new bionic ankle. It's gonna be epic.

1 pm: Giants/Vikings (c'mon Vikes, do us a solid and beat the Gints)

4 pm: Pats/Bears

SNF: Eagles/Cowboys. It's ON!

Menu?  Life-Long Eagles Mom's bringing mac-n-cheese and brisket. Chef Spouse plans to make a bunch of pre-game snacks. Do bring something, because we are going to be feeding a lot of people. At the moment, we have no dessert, and we could probably use something healthy like some vegetables. And of course, booze is always appreciated, although we are pretty set with beer at this point.

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2009 Week 14 Recap

Eagles at Giants, Sunday, December 13, 2009

In attendance: Shoegal, Ex-Navy Cheesehead, Prototypical Eagles Fan, Chef Spouse - the regular crowd

Menu: grilled cheese, cream of tomato soup and VICTORY (and cheesecake)

Stud of the Week: I'm going with two this week. I can't ignore Peanut, who has now tied the record for 50 yard plus TDs in one season (8) with Devin Hester and Crazy Legs Hirsch. And there are 3 more games to go. But I also can't ignore the Axeman, who racked up 8 tackles and 1 assist, despite currently being held together with duct tape and bubble gum (seriously - I expect an arm to pop off on the field at some point).

So here's how the game went: run-run-run-score (Giants). LOOOOOOOONG pass-score (Eagles). Run-run-run-score (Giants). LOOOOOOONG pass-score (Eagles). Not exactly a defensive grind it out win. Did both teams' defenses accidentally go to the Linc? If I had a quarter for every time I yelled, "TACKLE him, DONKEY!" I...well, I wouldn't be able to retire, but I'd certainly be able to get a nice pair of shoes. We couldn't stop Brandon Jacobs to save our lives.

On the other hand, they couldn't stop DeSean. I think opposing defenses are going to have to start sending their safeties back to the end zone. "I know they're at their own 3. Back up. No farther. No, FARTHER. Look, just head for the parking lot until I yell STOP!"

I think I had about 37 heart attacks in the third quarter alone. You know that scene in the extras for "The Incredibles," with Kari the babysitter, where Jack-Jack's powers have come out and he keeps bursting into flame and she keeps putting him out? That was Chef Spouse with the defibrillator.

There was some bad officiating, of course - Trent Cole was being held ALL DAMN DAY, Brent Celek got totally mugged in the end zone and...nothing, Quintin drew some "say what?" penalties, the zebras took 3 sure points away at the end of the half, and what the hell was that whole "forward fumble" call on McNabb? When a QB "forward fumbles," you know what that is? An INCOMPLETE PASS, DUMBASS!

And the Giants did get the lead. For all of 19 seconds. Yeah, I loved that play. "OK, here's the play. Peanut, you run that way REALLY fast. You other 9 guys stay in and block." "Isn't DeSean going to get, like, quadruple covered?" "Nah - unless they're hiding Usain Bolt over there, nobody's that fast." "Break!" Although there is a downside - no rest for the weary (defenders).

Of course, when it mattered, we put together a 91-yard 8 minute drive where we never even hit 3rd down. And when it mattered, McNabb and Avant came up with a 2 point conversion to tighten the screws. And when it mattered, up 7 points with the Giants taking over with 1:31 left, our defense protected the lead. Which they've done for the past four weeks.

And I saved the best for last:



Around the rest of the NFL...

I don't mean to scare you. Um, you better sit down. And brace yourself. Are you ready? Are you sure? Really, really sure? OK, don't say I didn't warn you...

Browns over Steelers. First time in 6 years. Groceries (and he really was - he was sacked 8 times on Thursday night) has NEVER lost to the Browns. Can someone please explain to me what's going on in Pittsburgh? It's like they've all forgotten how to play football. Y'all need to burn some sage or something.

Saints over Falcons. Barely. And with the Falcons without Matt Ryan and Michael Turner again. And you never know with divisional games. But the Saints are still winning. I do feel more confident of our ability to keep up with them in the scoring department if it comes to it in the playoffs, though. And I think it might. Also, how much money does Drew Brees make? Could someone please take him to a decent barber? I know they have them in New Orleans - Chef Spouse got a great haircut there over Thanksgiving. What about Aidan Gill on Magazine? Little help?

Ravens over Lions. You know the Lions had to be thinking, "Can we just go home now, please?" at the end of the half. Actually, they're probably thinking, "Do we REALLY have to play the final 3 games?"

Packers over Bears. Is Jay Cutler a complete disappointment or what? Most picks for a Bears QB in 60 years. And locker room dissention, big time. Oh yeah, that big contract was a good investment.

Texans over Seahawks. Go Texans! Team of Destiny! Still in it!

Colt over Broncos. Oh silly me. Will I never learn? That's it - I'm picking the Colts next week, even if they're playing God.

Dolphins over Jags. Speaking of still in it, the Dolphins could still win the division, particularly with 2 of the Pats remaining 3 games on the road. Go Fins!

Bills over Chiefs. Whatever.

Vikings over Bengals. I have a theory. OchoCinco didn't do any kind of crazy TD celebration, and the Bengals lost. Coincidence? I think not. Bring on the clown cars and confetti!

Pats over Panthers. Well, sure - they were playing in Foxborough.

Jets over Bucs. Speaking of teams that are still in it, the Jets are also still in the running for AFC East. But they have a tough remaining schedule and a crazy man for a coach, so that's not helping them.

Titans over Rams. Like *anyone* is surprised by this. I'm pretty sure I could do better than 5 picks and 1 TD. Apparently, there are NO QBs in St. Louis. I talking even high school QBs. Also, is Chris Johnson a beast, or is it just me?

Redskins over Raiders. Told you. Bet they beat the Cowboys in two weeks, too. Poor Jason Campbell. Cerrato and Snyder have definitely dicked him around, and he does not deserve it. Also, now that they're down to third string nobodies, notice how they're playing better? Like a...TEAM?

Chargers over Cowboys. Ah, December. Most wonderful time of the year. I'm not positive, but I think Tony Romo may have been crying at the end. On the NFL Network's Sunday morning show, the guys were talking about the 3 most under-rated QBs (leaving aside Rocks, Peyton, and Drew Brees). You know which two were on everyone's list? D-Mac (of course) and Phillip Rivers. Berman could still be right - we could see a Chargers/Eagles Super Bowl this year. You know what else they observed? That the final game of the season is in January, which should help the Cowboys. Only they won their last playoff (aka "January") game in 1996. So I don't think that really helps them all that much.

Right now, the 49ers are up 7-0 over the Cardinals, who are not looking brilliant so far. Ouch. Second turnover. Two comments: "Alex Smith is the QB of the future." Right now in San Francisco that seems to translate to, "He'll play the second half." Also, I really wish someone would make Chuckie take a Valium before the broadcast starts. I love me some football, too, but CALM DOWN.

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2009 Week 14 Picks

So ever since King Kaufman quit writing for Salon, I've been looking for someone to write picks that make me laugh. I finally found him (why doesn't it surprise me that he's attached to the Rachel Maddow Show?)

Anywho, we're playing the Giants. In prime time. And once again, all the sports commentators are all about the Giants, who have apparently righted their season, eaten their Wheaties, sacrificed the goat, etc., and are now going to make a triumphal run to the playoffs.

In the meantime, the Eagles are BANGED UP. Seriously, I think Andy Reid was like: "Hey, we have a Gatorade cooler. We could slap a jersey on that puppy and throw him in at right tackle!" The sad part is that they're planning to play a tackling dummy at linebacker, too.

And yet, despite all that, Big 5 was all "At my signal, unleash HELL!" against the Falcons last week.

It's December, Bitch. Do NOT mess with the Eagles in December. Because WE WILL MAKE YOU PAY.

Giants, schmiants. Fly, Eagles, fly! On the road to the playoffs - again!

Steelers/Browns. I'm going out on a limb here and picking the Steelers. They've been struggling recently, but they aren't struggling THAT badly.

Saints/Falcons. Saints. My money's on 16-0, baby.

Lions/Ravens. OK, the Ravens are also struggling. But it's the Lions. THE LIONS. Ravens.

Packers/Bears. Packers. HAH! Jay Cutler sucks. As I believe I may have pointed out, like, a MILLION times before.

Seahawks/Texans. Texans! Team of Destiny! I'm back on the bandwagon! Also, the Seahawks suck.

Broncos/Colts. I keep picking against the Colts, and they keep punking me. Dare I pick the Broncos? Oh I dare, all right. Apparently I never learn. Broncos.

Patriots/Panthers. I'm REALLY temped to pick the Panthers. But the Pats are playing for their playoff life (and how weird was THAT to type?), and I just can't do it. Not that I wouldn't love a Panthers win, preferably because Belichick decides to go for it on 4th and 32 at the Pats 3 yard line with the Pats up by 2 in the last 45 seconds of the game, but, really, how likely is that? Patriots.

Dolphins/Jaguars. The Fins are also playing for their playoff life. As are the Jags. Should make for a good game. I won't be watching it - there are too many other excellent options in the 1 pm timeframe Sunday - but it should be a good game. I'm taking the Dolphins.

Bengals/Vikings. Are the Bengals for real? Have the Vikings been feasting on an easy schedule? We should have some answers by 4 pm Sunday. I'm picking the Bengals. With my fingers crossed. Which makes it tough to type, let me tell you. asdjpirtrt9ub,.

Bills/Chiefs. Bills. Whatever. Who cares? Did you hear that TO's becoming a model? I knew playing outside a major media market would freakin' KILL him.

Jets/Buccaneers. I'm going out on a limb and picking the Bucs to upset the Jets. Why? Two words: Kellen Clemens. Who is no Mark Sanchez. Who's not all that to begin with.

Rams/Titans. Titans. Man, oh man, are the Rams bad. The Skins are all "maybe we need to blow up the team and start over." No, you do not need to start over. The RAMS need to start over. Actually, they might want to burn the Jones Dome to the ground and salt the earth.

Redskins/Raiders. Of course, that still doesn't mean that the Skins are good. Because they're not. And they're without Clinton Portis, maybe forever. Raiders.

Chargers/Cowboys. You *know* the Chargers are going to win. So do I . I just hope they don't make Tony Romo cry. That's our job.

Cardinals/49ers. Damn it. The Cards seem to be getting hot at just the right time. Again. Cards. Damn it. Could someone pants Fitz to ease the pain? Please?

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Sunday Schedule: December 13, 2009

The NFC East is tighter than a rock star's leather pants, and it's Eagles/Giants in prime time, baby!

ThNF: Steelers/Browns
1 pm: Packers/Bears (but if the crowd votes for Saints/Falcons, Colts/Broncos, or Vikings/Bengals, we're willing to entertain the idea of switching)
4 pm: Cowboys/Chargers
8 pm: Eagles/Giants!
MNF: Cardinals/49ers

Menu: grilled cheese & cream of tomato soup, at Shoegal's request. Possibly accompanied by some sort of yummy baked dessert, now that my ovens are working again.

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